Anyone who has struggled with an eating disorder or has helped someone in their recovery process can appreciate how complex, unique and different every experience can be. Reading personal essays and stories is a great way to understand what others have gone through and what they have learned. Our blog, In Their Own Words, is a forum for people to share their insights, experiences, and, importantly, to let you know that YOU are not alone
Penny – Getting back to life…
Getting back to life….
Friends…it feels like it has been forever since I had the time to sit down and write.
It feels so amazing to be tucked in my corner in the couch, with my furry blankets and write this post🖤
I need to go back a couple of weeks…I had a really tough doctors appointment and it brought up a lot of emotion.
I found out, after being weighed, by choice, that my had dropped a ridiculous amount, and I was only pounds away from the weight I was when I went into hospital.
I was devastated, and had no idea this was happening. I have made so many changes…yet, there I was feeling that my fight had been for nothing.
I cried for three hours when I got home.
I was devastated and embarrassed.
What did I do?? I got myself together…that’s what I did!
I put a new plan in place and promised myself to eat more..which is difficult, because I was eating.
There is nothing like getting an unexpected slap in the face, and having to deal with it immediately! My doctor had no suggestions for me, and basically shrugged her shoulders at me…this is the after care for eating disorders. How fucking frustrating!
This is a perfect example of why recovery is so difficult, and makes you feel very alone.
That same week, I was offered a part time job, and was absolutely thrilled!
Two weeks into it…I love the girls I work with, and it’s interesting being in a ‘normal’ environment, where no-one knows my history. I’m just Penny, and no-one cares beyond that.
My job is physically demanding, and it is non stop movement every shift.
I like that, but am also finding it a bit of struggle.
I get so hungry, so I eat, but feel guilty after the fact.
I have gone from absolutely no extra physical activity, to lifting 70 lb mirrors, and moving things all day.
I haven’t focused on my body for a long time, and I’m feeling that pressure again.
I also feel ugly and dirty at the end of the day. But accomplished.
Some days I come home in tears, and I don’t even know why?
I am good at what I’m doing, and proud of my work.
But when that voice creeps in, telling me I am weak for eating, and I have indulged…it’s hard.
I am going to continue to transition back into the world, but I would never guessed the struggle.
Feelings come up that I thought were gone, and I have to fight so much harder.
A dear friend of mine took on s new job recently, and she found it too overwhelming. She recognized her health was suffering, and we spoke for hours about what her priorities really are..she left that job, and is continuing in the nursing area..where her ‘family’ is…I have so much respect for her.
I don’t know how I feel today…I’m excited to be out in the world, but face a battle within myself.
The Only Way Out is Through…..